this just in - Letters of Note

NB this has been free flow writing so grammar and punctuation is not correct. This is an account of what happened, is happening. Please keep judgment to yourself. I am punishing myself enough. Accused of self pity and victim M.O. My Big BUT...knowing not doing..

So in March 2016 I was living with mom and son, working and wrapping up a masters degree. Life ticking along despite the fact I am divorced with no contact, had depression, and lots of other life problems, including problems with son and other people, lacking life skills...but I did travel, watch movies, dance, go to art gallery, see plays, you know do some things....

My mom died on April 23, 2016 and I literally lost my mind. I went INSANE. 
The cancer had returned and took her in four weeks

I fell to the ground, I wanted to die. My mind set free and my entire life, choices, thoughts, actions, things done and not done, habits I have, don't have, raced violently through my brain...I wanted to go back to any point in time to start over, get a redo, get healed and do life better.

I've done everything wrong. All facets of life absent for me; career, finance, intimacy, inclusion, relationships, health, self care, self expression, hobbies, style, spiritual practice, creative practice....

I have not been true to life's terms, to myself, to my heart, to my dreams, to my ideas, to my intuition or to my potential.
I operated from an unhealed place and it caused low vitality, skewed thinking, outlook, and behavior. Lots of relationship problems with everyone including myself. 

None of the traumatic experiences  were ever discussed, processed, healed in any way and they compounded and compounded...weakening me... including the false programming of no self worth...
It's all so text book, makes me sick because it was avoidable and treatable, I would be a better person in a better place. 
I have not participated in traditional milestones and ceremonies, I have not honoured or been honoured, there have been no rites of passage ..... 


Oh yes the Power of NOW but what has transpired has been one hell of a crap show

Words can't describe the terrifying feeling of being cursed and possessed and needing out of oneself, out of this reality. There are so may other realities and some have it much better or much worse than me! My mind relentlessly imagines all other realities I could be in but am not.
For over three years I writhe in pain, clutching my body, thrashing all night in bed, cursing daybreak that ought to be praised..

Sleep is the only time of calm, I have vivid dreams, sometimes my mom is there, I hug her, "thank god your back, how was it" ..she replies, "not that great." Dreams of her house, the neighbour. house, lots of water, forests, maze like underground shopping centres, unkown towns, some known cities, flying an dodging wires, trying to get elevation.., people, always in motion....so vivid and dimensional..
Of course I wake between one and three often. I go to bed too early and wake early..I have no clue what to do.

My mom and I had unresolved issues. Since childhood I was angry with her. Why? The mother wound? Yet we traveled and danced together. My memories are with my mom. She was a doer, she made things happen, http://ava-artists.org/artists/sandra-shaw/
I wanted resolve...I want my mom here so I can be good to her and we can enjoy life. My son has also lost his mom.....and I lost chance to be a good mom. Moms are important!

I was there when she took her last breath, "keep breathing mom please..."
It is TERRIFYING, they are gone...somewhere else... out of body...

I never wanted to be left in this world without my mom. I didn't give her a good death, we didn't have a goodbye conversation. No I love you...she said I am bad daughter (she was on fetanyl) ... I did bathe her once, bring her tea, warm blankets..but I also brought in strbx that she didn't approve of and said "just to piss you off." I fell into a pity party, she was brave. We did laugh once when she fell out of her chair after CBD .

Death is real, its final, and I want my mom. I want a chance to be kinder...

The world got bigger, more vacuous. Feeling untethered, cast adrift... My mom had energy and momentum...nothing will happen now unless I make it happen. nothing will move or get done...it feels surreal and scary. Maneuvering solo in empty space. Big world with so much going on..so many people in their own realities, experiences...throughout entire history all over the world ...our ancestors since beginning of time...I don't know any of them...not even grandparents.

My mom held the stories...we didn't get it documented... My god I don't know my family, where I come from... My moms house and collections were precious to her, they hold symbolism, stories... I harassed her about the chaos, now we don't know what is what... Some sold off...
I feel tremendous guilt, regret, remorse, fear, weakness, anxiety, I lose control. Everything falls apart

I AM COMPLETELY ALONE for the first time in my life.

THIS IS SERIOUS is my mantra for the next 3 plus years
This is a joke, NOT A JOKE, Its VERY REAL

I laid on the grass in the park begging the earth to open up and drag me in, I curled up fetal style on the back porch under the mulberry tree, seeing light, dust motes, insects...blurred, surreal, a different dimension. the world looked and felt sooo different..I noticed the minute things, things I hadn't seen before...spiders spinning webs....or see in ways I hadn't seen before...clouds, trees, grass, dandelions, flowers, people...more intense...alive, in motion..

Time fleeting;  minutes, hours, day, night, years...so fast. I am not in the world, not participating..everything is excruciating..I am missing out of everything, time is wasting, I am losing time, experiences, relationships, health, agility...

 Oh god the grief project begins I thought.  I laid on the couch wanting to be enveloped, I felt like I was incubating. I sat in backyard pulling out tufts of grass and walking barefoot eating mulberries and plums for the whole summer. Never ate these fruits before and I lived here for years! I could barely walk, but I paced and paced or sat and sat for hours and hours head hung low. I only had FB on phone.  No music, no TV, no movies.  I sit in the dark. ..only motivated by hunger, emotional eating... I do not shop or cook. Luckily I had frenemy who fed me...and we would go for dog walks...

My cat and dog are by me but they sense the tension. I am afraid to inevitably lose them

 I  become obsessed with researching ways to die..There is no easy painless way...I think about bridge jumping...I also stand on the edge of the city train platform for several hours ...no one questions me.

I hope the world will explode.

I tried to get fetanyl, no luck.  A homeless binner spent hours with me sharing and convincing me to  live; we went to eat at chronic tacos. Over the years I shared meals with several strangers.

 I have been hugged, prayed for, encouraged and invited to church or other activities and places.

On the other hand family and "friends" vacated my sinking ship quickly. Three devoted people stayed in contact but seeing no results is not encouraging. Potential new friends not followed up with.

I am not a criminal but the police, not the paramedics,  come to the house often because of reports of my suicidal ideation...Most times they leave after speaking to me, sometimes they take me to hospital but I am released. At some point I am in emergency psych ward overnight and released.

I tried to kill myself four times. The first time my son stopped me. Traumatized he moves in with my sister who wants nothing to do with me. He has hope I'll get well.. but I am missing out on many years and connection; fueling the regret guilt, remorse and loss...

The second time I just woke up, the third I was scared and called 911. Police and ambulance come, I was on the floor screaming and ranting. Service at hospital was slow, I thought I would die in waiting room..no one seemed to take it seriously. I am just one of the many needing care. As it ends up the poison didn't even show up in my body.

One NYE I got fed up with calling the suicide and crisis lines so I sat up off the couch where I was writhing in agony with red crying eyes and blotchy face and posted on POF. I got an instant hit, told the guy what's up and he said go to Choose Again in Costa Rica..https://www.choose-again.com/.

Two weeks later I am on a plane only hoping it would crash.
I trigger everyone at the centre but I do participate in the yoga, meals, clean up, art, tapping, afternoon programs, hikes, circle sessions, excursions...but I am not doing the work (ACIM and The six steps) diligently. I go home after two months, not transformed or healed. However,  I realize I can sing, who knew!

I see a calf lost from its mom crying and running aimlessly. I see a large laying Bull very calm and zen. I see leaf ants carrying their piece of leaf even if the wind has blown them off course.

A nice guy I met there kills himself after leaving program (RIP AP). Many. many more people thrive of course.

At the centre I get mosquito bites on arms and legs that I pick at to this day. Resulting in massive scabs and scars on legs and arms. My previous extreme body shame was unnecessary! There was nothing wrong with my body!

The fourth attempt is done on a day I was invited to the sunshine coast with my sister, nieces, and son. I always wanted to go the sunshine coast...instead I swallow a poison, I got scared again and called 911...this time I was in ICU and was sectioned to psych ward for two weeks.

ICU is a busy place...constant blood samples, checking vitals, IV solutions to flush out poison, a catheter...lots of different doctors. Only one woman wearing a head scarf who was taking blood from the artery spoke calmly to me about staying alive... 

The fact is I am not brave enough to live or die.
The body/soul/mind, the US.. wants to live, we are a miraculous design of aliveness...

I am put in emerg psych area while waiting for a bed in the ward. Three of us choose to console self with song and dance and are told to stop and go to our beds.
In fact togetherness, dance and song are healing!

I am escorted by security to the psych ward.

I am not the usual guest in the ward among the regulars who are in and out often... the fact that I can eat from  my own food tray and clear it off the table makes me brilliant...Doing anything is hard but
I am able to go on escorted walks, OT programs, games night. I color, do Sudoku, watch movies, listen to music, socialize with other guests. Hey, I am good at coloring and ping pong, who knew.

The psychiatrist says I have a lot of insight and awareness...
Yes, I am having an existential crisis... a dark night of the soul...a very intense experience that I am fighting, resisting...
the uncertainty, the fragility, the precariousness, the constant flux and changing,  life in motion, is freaking me out... I am told I have control issues..Yes I am out of control...

I've lost sense of the timeline...I have begged god for help but I do not follow through with any help offered. I have received lots of messages and recommendations. Its up to me to grow up, be responsible...I was told to put on my big girl panties. I am stuck, overwhelmed, freaked out.

I stopped cleaning and don't cook (another massive regret) I got moved out of moms. Nothing unpacked. Place is chaos. Too much stuff. Filthy. I was caught up in materialism even though my nature was to be more particular. Have to move, don't know where, how. No one is coming to save me or help me.

I went to lots of intakes with counselors, but was annoyed at 50 min for 100 bucks...seen doctors at drop in who say I need one who knows me, a woman Dr who was willing to see me, went to hospital outpatient but didn't follow through. I was referred to  art, cooking programs,walking group, a psychiatrist, a therapist... she  said she doesn't know where to start. I paid for intake at wellness center, didn't go.

I know healing modalities but only tried some half halfheartedly.
Such as,  LOA, tapping, manifestation, visualization, prayer, chant, bio energy healing, receiving light, mediate, yoga, gratitude, change thinking, I Am statements, hypnosis, nature walks, dance, nutrition, exercise, supplements, essential oils, herbal remedies, rituals, activities, volunteer, voluntouring, travel, rehab, retreats, workshops, challenges, 12 step, support groups, grief groups, DBT, CBT, mediums, psychics, tarot, subconscious programming, rife frequencies, binaural beats, Shamanism, acupuncture, massage, physio, juicing, lemon water,veganism,  Joe Dispenzas work, Matt Khan, Hay House publishing ...

Opportunities come to me, I sang in a choir and joined an art group, even had work in show, but didn't continue even though I enjoyed it and was good at it- WHO KNEW. reaffirming  my un-nurtured abilities.

I find feathers and dimes and receive messages from people... I collect stones.
 All night I clutch gemstones to my thumping, pounding heart that I can feel and hear in my chest.

I scream out.

I complement people, smile at people, give people feathers, food. I make guerrilla eco art

For years all I do is scroll FB and You Tube on my phone. Reaffirming all the things that I am interested in and longed for are out there. I get ideas. I witness lives and lifestyles, the human condition and experiences, rising from adversity, the healing modalities, ceremonies, workshops, opportunities to be in community... If I had been healed sooner I could do all this.

I have received support from people in various groups; comments, voice calls, messages. One fellow talked to me for two hours, he encouraged me to make a sandwich. Haven't made one since. I eat out or order in.. unhealthy and very costly.

Last winter I lived on oranges and sat in the dark and in the cold. Summer, ate grapes and raspberries off the local vines.

I began speaking to random strangers everyday for the next three years, hundreds of people, sharing our personal stories...I ought to have blogged about this...
People struggling like I am, with depression and anxiety, a man who lost his hand in suicide attempt with a train, women whose boys had been killed, people in wheel chairs from accidents, strokes, chronic illness, a young guy with a brain injury from a 40 foot fall, people who's family members have ODed or committed suicide ( two friends of  mine killed themselves)  and homeless addicts who try and encourage me!
I witnessed a pedestrian fatality. She was face down on the concrete street, blood streaming from her... what is that for a place to die...alone..
Is this what I want?

I am overwhelmed by the impact of our choices, lessons,  level of consciousness, contributions, participation, drama, experiences, communication, health, illness...the interconnectedness, all on a path, a journey...walking each other home... to inevitable death that can take years and be painful and then the mystery..

Life is what we make it. We are who we create. We create out own reality and experience, lifestyle. Nothing will happen unless I  make it happen. This sense of solo maneuvering stuns me.

To die without living a life well lived and loved ...to die alone, unknown, unaccomplished, unfulfilled...I am terrified at this self fulfilling prophecy.

No more intimacy, holidays, meals, milestones, outings with anyone ever!
A shut in despite being, sort of, physically healthy.  Physical mobility important. I see and have met people who don't have it ...
The health issues people face...freak me out..
must take charge to prevent but I am Not...
sitting is unhealthy..I sit for hours..I only take short walks..

A friend gives a quadriplegic a suppository so he can poop and its only 2x per week!

I KNOW people afflicted by MS, stroke, heart ATTACKS, ALZHEIMER'S, PARKINSON, CANCER, ORGAN FAILURE, sight problems and Blindness, DEAF, Loss of LIMBS, knee and hip replacements. People whose pets died, whose children died, parents died..

I have been warned  by guy in with MS who relies on home care to avoid being in a place of relying on others for physical care. Ill people and ageing parents need care but I don't have anyone who will care for me...

There are so many things in the world to do that I would like to do but don't. Everybody around the world in loads of different circumstances are doing life... I am not being required to do anything other people don't do. It is very basic and I have some advantages others don't.  Anything and everything is happening. Some people are doing loads of BIG things, hard things..I am only asked to do me and I have choices and opportunities.

I am triggered by all the things I wanted to do, could have done, but didn't. Everything I am missing. Sunsets, beaches, cloud watching, picnics, wine tasting,camping, road trips, backpacking, dance, friends, shared meals, parties, concerts, festivals, hugs, kisses, cuddles, costumes, style, wearing/making jewelry, art shows, poetry, ukulele, singing, badminton, pottery, nature walks, maker workshops, ceremony, ritual, yoga, time with nieces, son, sister, visiting relatives, drumming, chanting, dancing....

 I have spent days just doodling and drawing, making collages.
Binging on you tube, Moth Story Hour, TED Talks, Comedy, Central Church online services,
I finally watched  some movies recently and listened to music for first time today, a recommended playlist.

But nothing is fixing it. I am not doing what I am suppose to do. The important real life stuff. Housing, finances, health, family, friends..
And it needs to be done.

 This has happened, It's happening. Its serious.

There are plenty of resources from people who have questioned and thought about about life and humanness over hundreds of years...
That is basically what my Masters program was about.

I wasn't able to and now not willing to do the work to be well... fear of recovery, learned helplessness, some sort of pay off.

Its serious.